When Brooklyn was born it was the best moment in my life the most beautiful moment ever. I was finally seeing this life that had been growing inside me for the last 9 months. I was blessed with a beautiful little girl. I had to have an emergency C-Section after being in labor for 20 hours. Water broke at 6:30am but contractions never started so I was induced by about 1pm, around 10pm the baby started having heart problems and I was closely monitored for the next 3 hours before they decided it would be best to have  a C-Section. An hour and half later my little Brooklyn was born.

In the recovery room they were doing the evaluations on her, and they told me that she was going to need to go to the NICU because her oxygen levels were low. They let me hold her in my arms for only a few minutes before they said they needed to get her to the NICU.

It was so hard to let her go, and it was even harder to see my baby girl get whisked away without me by her side. I knew she would be in good hands but it still hurt. I asked Kyle to stay with her until I could be there and keep me updated on what was going on. I was in the recovery room for 2 hours then I was moved to a post delivery room. Kyle had let me know she was doing good and they put her on oxygen and were watching her blood sugar levels. He had also mentioned to me that they thought she had some kind of Syndrome but didn’t say what kind and I didn’t think too much about it. I had asked my nurse if I could be with her and I was told I was not allowed to go untill I could walk after the surgery. So here I am in this room, while my daughter was in the NICU and I couldn’t be there to show her my love and encourage her to hang in there and be strong. It was the hardest 7 1/2 hours of my life.

When the nurses changed out I was asked by the new nurses about how she was doing, I said “I really didn’t know cause I was told that I could not be with her until I could walk.” The nurse looked at me so puzzled, and said “that is not correct, I will go and get you a wheel chair and take you to her right now.” At that moment I got so happy and excited cause I was finally going to be with my little girl.

As I am being wheeled out of the room my OBGYN was walking towards me. She asked how I was doing and wanted to know what I knew about the baby and her health. I told her I didn’t know too much about what was going on cause I am just now on my way to be with her. At that moment, she told me that the delivery Doctor had pre diagnosed her with Down Syndrome. I think my heart stopped for a moment and I instantly became numb, scared, worried, shocked and oh my gosh how did this happen. I had a great pregnancy, I did everything that I was supposed to and didn’t have any complications. Then I realized I had no idea what down syndrome was.

Kyle, his mom and myself were all in the room when my doctor started going over the notes. She let us know what it was that made them think she had down syndrome. Low muscle tone, a wider split between the first and second toe, the one line on the hand instead of two, the shorter pinky. At this point I really started to hurt inside but knew I needed to hold it together for her, MY DAUGHTER. All I wanted to do is cry but I didn’t, instead I just asked to hold my little girl and let her know I was going to be here for her, and everything will be okay.

I think I was in denial at first because they said “they thought, she might have it” So I was holding on to hope that it was going to be a wrong diagnosis. The doctor left and it was just the 4 of us in the room. Kyle, his mom, myself, and Brooklyn. I was still holding strong on the outside but hurting so so bad on the inside. I just could not cry in front of my girl cause she needed her mommy to be strong, and so I was. I also felt I could not cry in front of the Kyle or his mom cause I again felt I needed to be strong for all of us. I knew no matter what the outcome I was going to be here for her and give her the best care I possibly could. I just sat there with her in my arms feeling so sorry for everything, feeling selfish for wanting to have a child, feeling sad and feeling like why me, why did this have to happen to her. What in the world could I have done to deserve this and why does she have to get the short end of the stick for my actions, she is just a baby. We had planned for this baby it was not an accident, it was not an oh my I got drunk and this happened. It was two people who loved each other who sat down and talked about trying to have a child, two people who wanted more than anything to be parents. All of this is going on in my head and I am screamed to GOD,  WHY.. WHY … WHY..

Kyle and his mom left shortly after the doctor did and went to eat, it was just me and Brooklyn. She had wires all over her and oxygen tubes taped down to her nose. Even though I was hurting I still felt love for her and felt very protective of her immediately. I just looked at her while she slept and wondered about how life would be. Told her I would be here for her and that I will always be her mommy and love her to the end of the world and back over and over again. It was hard to be alone cause I had all these expectations of what birth would be like and it ended up being nothing like I had expected. Then to hear that my child had a disability to top it all. I was still trying to hold on to the thought that maybe the doctors were wrong, maybe, just maybe, they were wrong. Then it started all the different tests that she had to have done. I was so overwhelmed and feeling lost and alone. Kyle was still with his mom and I am sitting here feeling helpless as a mother cause didn’t know what was going on with my daughter. Blood draws after blood draws, ultrasounds, and heart scans. I’m thinking what is down syndrome and again why did it have to happen to my daughter.

I could not feel the happiness that I felt right after birth I only felt sad. All the test were done, Kyle and his mom came back and then shortly after that I went back to my room and left the baby in the NICU. Kyle’s mom had left and Kyle was getting ready to go home, take care of the cats, and get a little nap in before he had to go check into work so again I was going to be alone. Yet this time I was without my baby, again cause she was in the NICU and I was back in my room. Lets just say after everyone had left I cried and cried and cried and cried. Kyle had left the computer open to a page about down syndrome  and that is when it all hit me. She really did have it and there was not a fix to it. I was looking at picture of people with down syndrome, then I looked at pictures of her and I could totally see it. It was not something that we could change either. Brooklyn has Down Syndrome and that is that.  As I start to read more about down syndrome I come to this part about how it is called trisomy 21. 21,… I thought how strange, 21 is mine and Kyle’s number. We started dating on the 21st, he proposed to me on the 21st, we found out we were having a girl on the 21st and we are getting married on the 21st. At that moment I just knew everything was going to be okay, it is what it is and the sooner I got past the diagnosis the sooner my baby could have her mommy back.

Even though I still hurt so bad I knew in my heart we were all going to make the best of everything. I knew I was going to be her momma always and forever and get her the best care possible. My brother called and he was the first person in my family that I told. I was so upset still that I just cried on the phone and could hardly talk to him. He asked me what happened and I told him I don’t know  and he asked me are you sure and I said yes I am sure. He said it was okay and just reassured me that we were all loved and that was the end of that conversation I just could not talk anymore.

That day was hard but we got through it. My brother had called my dad and told him about Brooklyn and sent him back to the hospital then we told him in person. It was so nice to see that my family was going to be there to love and care for my daughter no matter if she has down syndrome or not. I guess part of me thought they would love her less cause of her condition or even worse would not accept her as part of the family. I don’t know why I thought those things but I guess it’s part of the process of healing. First you think all the negative then you get over it and see ALL of the positive.

We were told that she would have all these problems and one by one she was beating the odds. They said she would not be able to breast feed, and the first time I put her to my breast she latched on. They said she was going to have intestine problems and the scan came back normal. They said she was going to most likely have to have heart surgery to close the valve, but her scan came back and they said it looked as if it would close on it’ own. And sure enough it did. They said she would not be leaving the NICU untill after I was released out of the hospital and she was released to me the day after she was born. Just in time for her first College football game to cheer on the Ducks.. Yay…

It was hard to get through those first days in the hospital, but we did and I am so thankful. Brooklyn is my light. I may not be on the same path I thought I would be on but I am still on a path with a healthy daughter and a loving man by my side. I am her mommy and she is my daughter. I still hurt and I still cry, not because I have a daughter with Down Syndrome, but because I think about her life and the challenges she will face. I hurt because I think about things like will she get picked on and called names or will she made fun of. This world is not nice. I cry because I think about her future, will she get to experience being in love, will she get to one day have a family of her own. I still cry because I hurt for her not me. But through all the sadness I am oh so very happy to have a beautiful daughter to love to cuddle to raise. She is the best part of me and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Gods Little Blessing

{Down syndrome is a genetic condition that occurs in approximately one of every 800 live births. The chance of having a baby with DS is not affected by where you live, social class or race. Also, having a baby with DS does not mean you did anything wrong: nothing done before or during pregnancy causes DS. Recent advances in our understanding have resulted in dramatic improvements in the potential and life span of individuals with Down syndrome.}


Posted by in Uncategorized